Youcaring.com for Scott's Heart

Please check out this website created for Scott. It is a way to keep up to date on what's happening on this journey and also opportunities to help and serve. 

Scott and I are so blessed by the amazing friends who have surrounded us during this time. Your love and kindness has touched our hearts and we thank God all the time for you and lift you up in prayer as well! 

A Second Chance

I happily presented the Easter egg to my mom. I watched with a smile as she opened it. She pulled out the little chick and paper. She read quietly what we had written {Our Little Chick is Due December}. Joy. Happiness. Smiles. Laughter. It was a happy Easter! We were thrilled to announce our second pregnancy. 

I was nervous. I'd spotted during implantation so I felt somewhat at ease that this was not another ectopic; however having lost one baby I felt everything in me trying to hold on to this new baby. 

Pain. Not again. It couldn't be happening again. I had an ultrasound and the baby made it to my uterus. All looked well. The pains were normal they said. My body was stretching, making room for our new little one. 

Blood. I hated not knowing what was normal and what was abnormal. I hated that I will never have a 'normal' pregnancy again. I will never be that woman who sees the positive sign appear on her stick and blissfully coast through her pregnancy. The doctor assured me the blood was normal. It was brown not red. It was probably from implantation. 

We prayed over our baby every day. I frequently prayed throughout my day. For health. For safety. Thanking God for this life. Wanting to be excited and to anticipate it's birth, the baby shower, buying all kinds of baby and maternity things. Something inside pulled me back. Put up a guard. Wouldn't let me get too excited. I wanted to plan. I am naturally a planner. But I couldn't plan. My heart wouldn't let me. Yet I still had hope. Hope of answered prayers. Hope that we would have the home and the baby we dreamed about. Hope that everything was going to go well this time. 

Sick. I felt so nauseous. I was glad. It was a good sign. It was harder to handle than I expected. I was grateful I wasn't throwing up. Yet. I started asking friends how to handle the morning sickness. I tried every single piece of advice. Most work. 

Better. I was feeling better. I was still spotting brown but not as concerned since the doctor said it was okay. I felt like I was able to get my morning sickness under control. I felt proud of myself. I still considered myself a first time mom, so I figured I was doing quite well. 

Excited. I was so thrilled when my doctor cleared me of high risk status. I could finally switch over to the midwife and have the natural birth I desired. 

Concern. Our first appointment with the midwife seemed to go so well until they couldn't find baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. I wasn't freaking out. I knew sometimes the heartbeat can be difficult to hear early on, however the midwife was concerned and sent me for an ultrasound. 

Nothing is wrong until it is. I repeated it again and again, praying and hoping everything was fine. The tech moved her wand around. Searching. Searching some more. Pausing. Recording. I couldn't see anything. She didn't say anything either. Then she asked us to go to the waiting room while she called the midwife with the results. We waited. She brought us back in and said the midwife was on the phone for us. I picked up the phone. "I'm sorry to tell you this..." No. Not again. I'd prayed. I'd asked God to keep our baby healthy and safe. I asked him to protect this little one. "There was no heartbeat." Dead. Our baby was already dead. I suddenly hated that I felt better. I wanted to be sick again. I wanted to feel nauseous. I wanted my body to hold on to that life inside me. 

Gone. It was too late. There was nothing I could do to save my baby. It was already in heaven. With God. With Blueberry. I would never hold either of them. I would never feel them kick or move inside me. I would never see their beautiful eyes or precious smiles. 

Why? Why would God have us walk through this again? Again? Wasn't the first time enough? Why would he create life just to take it away? Why did he have to give us the baby in the first place? Why raise our hopes of a healthy pregnancy only to dash them away? 

It was harder this time. Harder because it was happening again. Harder because of the following events. Baby Dedication at church. Mother's Day. Then came Blueberry's projected birthday. Empty. I was empty. My arms held no child. My heart was broken. And my pain was emphasized with every pregnant mom or baby that I saw. They had what I longed for. Their babies made it, and mine didn't. They had the joy of those sweet moments of laughter with their little one while I now had fear, loss and hurt. Why?

A labor of love. I didn't see it in the beginning. I didn't even recognize it after several weeks. But months gone by, as my heart slowly healed once more. As I prayed and cried out to God, I saw it. His love for me. I sat in church and heard our pastor preach, "God is laboring not for your comfort, not for your happiness. God is laboring for your faith. God is with you. God is for you. God does what he does and allows what he wills so that you might know him and to increase your faith." Even if someone had said that to me the day before I might not have listened. But God knew when I'd be ready. He was patient to wait for it. I heard those words and I knew. He knows the desires of my heart. He loves me so much. Too much to allow those desires to come before him. I love my God. But I did not know him nor trust him the way I do now. My faith is still small. I still have so much to learn and grow. But I am grateful he is always with me. I am grateful that I have two sweet babies in heaven. I am grateful God does not leave me in my fear and doubt. I am grateful he is patient with me, especially when I am ever so impatient with him. I continue to hope for the future, that one day we will have children of our own. Hope. Trust. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11: 1

Outfit of the Day: Black and Demin

 

I had a busy day ahead: errands to run and then date night with my husband. I didn't have a lot of time to change in between so this was my version of a day-to-night look. I paired my dark wash skinny jeans with a black razor back tank top, a tri-colored chunky necklace and my black jeweled sandals to run my errands in. I swapped out the sandals for a pair of foe leather heels and after a fresh powder to the nose I was ready to go out on that romantic date.

 

 



 

 I love the lace detail on this tank top, it just added that little extra and gives it interest.

 

 

 

Pairing the same jeans and tank with a blue chunky necklace and matching cardigan is a great way to add color and brighten up this outfit. 

 

 



A Four Day Love Story

It happened one October day. It happened suddenly and swiftly. I fell in love the moment I saw that pink line appear. After trying to conceive without success and discovering some health issues along the way, I was both surprised and overjoyed to finally be pregnant. It changed my life almost immediately. I was a mother. It didn't matter that our baby wasn't born yet, we were already parents. We were charged with the care of this tiny little one and we were excited. 

We spent the weekend together, going to a concert, attending church, enjoying our little secret of life. But there was a pain. A pain that wouldn't go away. A pain that kept growing. We knew I needed to go to the emergency room. The doctor confirmed I was pregnant, but after two ultrasounds they informed us they couldn't find the baby. The pain in my heart overwhelmed the pain my body experienced. We were sent home. I cried until sleep overtook me. 

My husband called the OB the hospital referred us to. They didn't have any openings. He called another. Nothing available. He called another. And another. He finally got us an appointment and we went right away. Upon arriving I was taken back to the ultrasound. The tech was kind and gentle, unlike the one in the hospital the night before. She effortlessly moved the wand, searching and recording. She paused. There. On the screen. A tiny form. Ity-bity arm buds. A tiny ball moving with rhythm. There was no sound, but I knew it was my baby; it's heart beating.  The tech called in the doctor who confirm the pregnancy was ectopic. Our beloved baby had implanted in my left tube. The pain I was experiencing was the pressure our growing baby was putting on my tube. The doctor schedule the surgery. 

Calling our family to tell them the joyous news of our baby then to follow by the great sadness of our scheduled loss was incredibly hard. I wanted this baby. I didn't want it to go. I didn't want to lose it. 

Waking up in the recovery room I asked the nurse if they were able to save my tube. I knew they couldn't save my baby. I knew when the doctor went in to cut my baby out of my tube, she cut off it's life. I knew there was nothing I could have done to save my baby. But I hoped my tube was saved. I hoped to have another baby. 

The doctor showed my husband the pictures taken from my surgery. She explained the baby was so embedded into my tube they couldn't save it. She showed him how big my tube had been stretched, pointing out the purple areas, indicating the thinness of my tube, about to rupture. She said the baby had been about the size of a blueberry. Blueberry. Our blueberry.

Recovering wasn't easy. I ached. It hurt to lay down and sit back up. It hurt to move around. It hurt to have loved and lost. I thanked God for allowing my life to be spared. I thanked God that walking through this loss brought my husband and I closer in a way we had never experienced. I thanked God that our little Blueberry was in heaven. That it never knew pain or hurt or loss. I thanked God that our Blueberry only knew love. Our love for those four days and God's perfect love for all of eternity. There was still pain. There was still hurt. There were questions. There was longing. But there was love. 

Inspiration To Recreation: Braided Topsy Tail

Styling my hair is something I enjoy doing. I have naturally straight, thin and flat hair. So making it look good can be a challenge for me at times. I am not very good at creating my own hair styles but I love to see how other people style hair and then try to recreate it. I saw this cute and casual braided topsy tail:

I decide to recreate this style and this is how it turned out:

If you recreate this style, send me a picture. I'd love to see your recreations as well. If you have other hair style inspirations share those as well!

 

 

 

 





Even This

It happened over time and it happened quickly. After going to the Emergency Room on Wednesday, we discovered that Scott has a blockage in his main artery. They sent him for a cardiac catheterization to get a better look and to potentially put in a stint. After the procedure, the doctor came and spoke to us and said the blockage was too significant to do the stint. He recommended bypass surgery. 

The wait. Waiting has always been such a challenge for me. I'm a planner by nature and it is hard to plan when details are not in place. So I wait. I wait to hear from the surgeon on when the surgery will happen. I wait on God. I wait to see what He will do and I remind myself that nothing happens outside of God's control and will for our lives. Even these crazy circumstances are all a part of His great plan for our good and to glorify His name. That doesn't mean this isn't hard to walk through, it just means that we don't have to walk through it in despair, but we can thank God for his perfect and good plan for us. 

 

One Top Two Ways: Blue Floral

One of the things I like to keep in mind when shopping is if the item can go with more than one thing. Is it appropriate for more than one occasion? Can it be mixed or matched with other items already in my closet? Following this guideline helps keep me from unnecessary spending as well as ensuring I can create multiple outfits with fewer items.

I've taken this blue floral button up and paired it with some cropped white pants. Keeping the accessories simple with a gold heart pendant and gold toned jeweled sandals.

Taking the same top and pairing it with dark wash denim, a silver chain necklace and white ballet flats changes to look altogether. Both looks are great casual outfits for running errands, spending time with friends and family or doing some shopping of your own!

 

Inspiration to Recreation: Triple Topsy Pony Tail

Pony tails are great. They get your hair out of your face and off your neck. They are easy to do and great for Summer heat. But lets face it, they can be boring. I found this fun twist on a side pony from Kate.

So as the August temperatures continue to rise I just had to try it out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comment below if you recreate this look and don't forget to subscribe!

Outfit of the Day: Coral and Navy Maxi Dress

 

I think everything about this maxi dress is fabulous. It has a great coral and navy color pallet. It has a dark navy slip that hits right at the knee, leaving the remaining of the overlay sheer and flowy. It has the slightest cut-out in the back (not pictured). It is just a great dress for a date night or a girls night out.

 

 

Pairing it with a layered gold and navy necklace and coordinating earrings makes this outfit complete. Add sandals for a relaxed look or opt for wedges for a dressier option.

 

One Top Two Ways: Maroon Blouse

Finding ways to create many looks out of one item is a bit of a hobby. I love fashion and I thoroughly enjoy shopping, but when my budget is restricting it is a good time to become creative.

I took this sheer maroon blouse and paired it with white cropped pants. I accessorized with a chunky white beaded gold chain necklace and a pair of white braided sandals (gold toned sandals or flats would also look good as well).

I love to wear jeans and I am really loving my skinny jeans lately. I don't like my skinny jeans to be too tight though, more of a straight leg than a jegging.

Pairing the blouse with my skinny jeans but accessorizing with a silver beaded necklace and a pair of silver Toms (mine happen to be knockoffs but I still love them) makes this outfit easy to wear for Casual Fridays or on the weekends.

Inspiration to Recreation: Messy Bun with a Braided Wrap

I woke up late. Eek! So I quickly got ready and didn't have much time to spend on my hair. I really like this hairstyle because it is quick and simple but still looks appropriate for the work place. I first saw this hairstyle on Kate.

This is how my recreation turned out:

Send me a picture of your recreation of this hairstyle. Don't forget to subscribe!